Shit like what you describe would scar anybody, and good for you for talking about it openly. (I mean, my house is my Fortress of Solitude, and I can be super grumpy if Im interrupted in the middle of something by my phone, but unless underlying issues are at play, even I the Queen of the Solitary Grumpies here am never going to reply to a self-invite with Dude, totally inappropriate! rather than just, Nope, not gonna work right now.) Talk about it with her if youd like; let her slow-fade quietly on out if youd like; find a new awesome person to enjoy riding with. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Is this someone Ive invited to my house at one time or another? Pack lightly. . Ideally, if possible, you should be on the look-out for their car and come out as soon as you see them. A downside to this is it can feel like youre expecting the person to ask you to come inside if they need a few more minutes. Even just 20 minutes notice for me to put on something more like real clothes and get the dogs situated and get the house straightened up a bit makes it so much better. The organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves. What my friend did that bothered us was: (When I am up for visitors) the people welcome in my home fall into two categories: Family, and Company. Generally, with close friends, I do the text and make plans like now approach. You are getting the chills and feel like you want to go home with him. Offer him an idea or a suggestion on what to do or what you would like to do at his residence. An unannounced home-visit, however, doesnt have a built-in time limit, and this might be part of the reason she is not open to them. Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. But Im always thanked for double and triple checking with him because I understand that his particular brand of anxiety can say yes lets definitely plan to do this and then the day of be I really want to do this but I cant do it today. Thats what my partner says (the part about the very casual social culture with BBQs and fishing.) Our small city (which has a low crime rate) gets a handful of this type of attempted burglary each day, so I dont think the police are being alarmist. The guy had the kind of job that involved getting up before dawn and he was already in bed he wasnt super impressed, and thats when I started really thinking about whether it was OK to just drop in on people not everyone has the same schedule as me. Ask him if it is cool to come over or if he would keep you company while your friends come back. I personally would have been thrilled if OP had dropped by to show off their new bike but clearly that doesnt work for their friend. Another thing to keep in mind is to be explicit about when you plan to come and leave so that he does not feel overwhelmed. Another general suggestion for times when you are trying to invite yourself over is _never_ assume youre dropping by their space, always ask. I once invited a friend and her boyfriend to Thanksgiving at my parents house and the boyfriend, who I had met ONE TIME, invited EVERYONE HE KNEW. You'll make your life much simpler. just got off the train, be there in 5 min Then they wont be surprised when I buzz them or ring the doorbell a few min later. But with this one friend, all you really need to know is what SHE prefers. in Psychology. If its going to be a regularly scheduled thing, then either setting up a scheduled hang out, or just giving me a heads up that this is a thing that is happening and that you would like to hang out is better. And the thing is, if theyd said whose house should we watch at? I would have volunteered. I usually dont got to bed until 3 or 4, but after 9 or 10 Im usually not prepared to leave or entertain without serious incentive or an established plan. But talking to someone- or more likely in front of someone- about the fun game night six of your ten closest friends were at but one of the conversants wasnt? The group just assumes everyone understands the unwritten open invitation. *I am the ocean* Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. Day of, Ill send him a text asking hey is today still ok or should we reschedule. Its a lot about how much lead time I need to prepare the proper conditions for the activity. I do it just because sometimes things do come up at the last minute, its easy (for me at least) to bungle scheduling when social plans are made far in advance. And at that point, you get to craft your own slow fade, being really really busy when their requests are made. Me too! A similar (probably unintentional but still annoying) tendency Ive seen in some of my friends is to lead with partial questions, e.g. We actually moved to a new unit in our complex to get away from her. It hadnt occurred to me that it would come across that way, and Im sorry. We have a mutual friend who does this semi-regularly, and I love him, but I am a little feral cat and unexpected intrusions into my territory make me antsy for the rest of the day! As cute as it might seem that he's thinking about you at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night after he's left the bar with his buddies and wants to see you last minute, it's not cute at all. And I never, never drop by someone elses house without warning! Jesus Chris on a bike. Or if Im entertaining Alice who is my sister-in-law I will feel fine talking about this family event, to which Bob- not my brother!- is not invited. 3. Sometimes an hour early. Just wanted to say that as someone with a (diagnosed) anxiety disorder and various other other mental health issues who had their teen years in those days/that sort of a culture, I also miss them. I chose stay and keep playing bc, as a naive young thing, I thought that being offered that option meant that option was available for me to choose. Had a neighbor knock over and over for 45 minutes, and then YELL at me when I came to the window, demanding I tell her why I wouldnt open the door when she knew I was home. but where will the implications sit if youve moved all of the furniture? Visit with the parent while the kids bash about. And my husband, who works from home and had not planned to eat lunch with us because he is working, has to let you in and entertain you. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? Maybe her social expectations are different to mine or what I grew up with. In the end though it would have been much better for us if Id set stronger boundaries at the outset. Feel free to use. (I have no qualms about putting the dogs outside if I spot proselytizers or door-to-door salespeople coming down the street, but I wont put the dogs out if someone is already inside the yard.). Hah. I was not all that good at social interactions as a kid, and didnt give or get invitations all that often at that age. Yes to this Meanwhile I prefer for casual-visit to mean lets go out to the coffee shop, even though that really strains my budget, because I both have executive function issues that affect my house and experience a lot of shame over those issues. and my shame level is much much higher and so I never have people over without a sometimes-tearful marathon clean that leaves me too exhausted to enjoy it. To the surprise of literally zero Captain Awkward readers, using words turned out to be what most people wanted! But heres what I thought of before looking through all the comments. No doesnt mean I hate you or You have bungled this invitation horribly, it just means they dont want to hang out with you right then, so, move on and dont try to solve no equations for yes.. Never, under any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house EARLY. But if the person being visited does shame-clean, it isnt about the state of cleanliness when visitors arent there. I guess she liked keeping people dangling. It's one thing to show up at a party, it's another to insert yourself into a four-day excursion. All it takes is the willingness to step forward, and pick yourself. I can definitely understand confirming in that case! I was expecting to catch up with my friend one-on-one at the restaurant, only to discover that he had several friends in tow. It would be different in the burbs or rural areas, I assume. I do quite like the idea of a I am around your area, if you happen to be free want to get a coffee? message with no guilt if I am not at home/in the middle of an Avatar: The Last Airbender marathon/having sex/just dont wanna, though. I have been very firm that we can invite her friends to our home or to a public place like a park but we cant tell them we are coming to them. And if that doesnt work, then simply tell him the truth. And now were all sitting here awkwardly because we cant talk about dicks with him around? If an event just seems like the organizers want to keep it small. I asked N if that was ok, she said it was, and that K is always at her house anyways. #1 reason I would be hostile to a rare drop-in is because I do not actually like the person. I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone was always dropping by each others houses all the time, and I HATED it. Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to the baby shower. Give him ample notice before the proposed hangout time. Visits are preceded by five days of anxiety, and followed by days of needing to be loved, and held, and told that I am a good person, and that my parents are shitlords. A family member? So, Id be interested to know how to handle someone once theyve already shown up, uninvited and not particularly wanted, to social events. I suppose if someone REALLY didnt want to go away I could also let the dogs outside, but that seems more antisocial than is necessary. When Ive broached the subject in a nonconfrontational way (using similar language) in the hopes of opening up a dialogue, I am always met with some version of, No problem, Im just busy with stuff. Im lucky to live in nyc, where that is more likely to be understood. I said yes! The reason is that I didnt invite you. That is outrageous! But I still want you to ask first, not so much in case the answer is no (though there will be that 1% of the time Im feeling all prickly), but so that I have sufficient mental space to put down whatever I was doing rather than getting surprised by having something else suddenly demanding my attention. It would be a hassle to ask everyone they meet, "Hey, we mountain bike. With that said, your description sounds like the sort of thing I would certainly expect a person to handle gracefully even if it wasnt okay with them, not to be furious about. Whether you need to fix, build, create or learn, eHow gives you practical solutions to the problems life throws at you. Awkward. This is a more specific but still open ended suggestion that allows them to specify how much time they have to devote to hanging out, and pick a place that is convenient to them. Do not do this to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules. *I am the still, deep, blue water* Most of the time its a welcome treat and diversion in my day. Guess divide, and all of the yes! Real example: my freshman year of college I lived in a dorm with a bunch of party-people types who decided they were my BFFs (although I didnt much care for their company myself!) I wouldnt make any polite noises. I can think of lots of reasons, some of which have her unhappier with the work drop by. Come up with a reason why you want to come over. She enjoys learning about relationship and communication skills in order to develop her own and others' relationships. I dont know whyyou can ask if you wantbut shes sending a lot of signals that suggest I dont want us to be as close as we used to be. So that probably contributed to why she was unhappy with you showing up at her doorstop; she was trying to distance herself from you and you tried to force intimacy. That works, if I am available/up for a visit (I have a lot of health issues to deal with and sometimes even if I am not doing things I just cant handle having someone there) I can politely decline. It feels like a Big Commitment to do complex scheduling on everything, whereas yo Im walking my dog down your street feels very, very low key to me. Whereas I would be absolutely fine with a call or a text from the driveway but ringing my bell without warning runs the risk of sending me into an anxiety spin. I also hate it when people come early when Im still cleaning or dog wrangling. Its definitely a different dynamic from things like uni friends where its a smaller and tighter group that you hang out with them in person all the time though. Bye oops grab the dog please. Find 33 ways to say INVITING, along with antonyms, related words, and example sentences at Thesaurus.com, the world's most trusted free thesaurus. It helps if you accidentally miss out on something or are late, because people are pretty forgiving of schedule changes and mishaps, but it makes scheduling things with folks whose social expectations are different a little fraught. people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude.- Do you actually know thats why, though? Equally women didnt drop by after 6pm on weekdays alone because then the men were home and so it would be couple socializing time. That was awesome fun then, but 10 years later if you show up at my house at random, especially after 10, I probably wont even open the door, or I might get mad. It is not impolite to invite yourself to someone's home, depending on who you are inviting and why you are doing so. Its also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. Good communication was supposed to go basically like this: And your expectations sound like theyre probably just fine. ", (Hearing about a party an acquaintance is throwing) "Sounds like fun. Sometimes Id be forced to stand there screaming and pleading with them to stop, which usually resulted in a beating for being so ungrateful. So I would say oh well Im free this afternoon too if you want to hang out actually no because reason OR that sounds like fun! the next day why didnt we hang out yesterday?. come on. I suppose it amounts to the same thingI didnt get to do the prep I would have preferred tobut since the LW is worried about missing nuances, I thought it would be good to offer another POV/reason for not wanting a drop in, lest LW have a friend who keeps a spic-and-span house all the time and LW assume that means drop-ins for that person are okay. This is even with close friends/my best friends! I get the idea that her family does this oftenand the stress it causes is palpable. Repeat as necessary, adding I do not want you to drop by unannounced. And this has been proven time and time again. I then, with friends who I had invited, discussed details of the plans and ideas and asked for opinions. I didn't mean for it to come across as an invitation. Knowing that I am under no obligation to implement whatever advice I receive makes all the difference. I know people who do this (I am not one of them, however). Thats what I mean. Of course we told them no. What are you doing at the weekend? Instead of stating their full request, e.g. It is exactly what the Captain says about her not having the bandwidth to reach out to me so maybe I should just let it go but I miss her so much and I dont want to lose the connection. Its often said that a way to a guys heart is through his stomach. I only have to clean ME, I do not need to scour my house for stray articles of clothing and actually go through the three piles of mail on my dining room table. I mean, sure, if we made plans 2 weeks ago, I might text you the day before to clarify, but 15 minutes? I dont see whats wrong with this type of text (or phone call) in general, though if a person has anxiety about getting texts / phone calls, I wouldnt do it so as to respect their feelings. Just stop trying. The end. I mean, most of the time I expect people to at least call ahead, unless an emergency occurred, but to ring my doorbell after dark when you said youd be here in the early afternoon, without an explanation, is ridiculous. Because they were not ones to take a hint. Friendship break-ups are awkward and hard and with lots of ambiguity. Especially since I kind of see him as a big brother to me. Next Thursday? I sent him an email when I left, and arrived 25 minutes later. Figure out do guys like being called cute. No kidding. Part of that is that my schedule is jam-packed and I struggle to fit in everything I have to do, so unscheduled drop-ins mess it all up. The hugest part of it is that I cannot bear to have people see inside my house unless it is perfectly tidy and the floors vacuumed/washed, and every surface freshly wiped down, and no dirty dishes, and with refreshments ready etc (thank you, my mother, for your hostess-shame legacy) and as mentioned I have children. *Finally, weve talked about what to do if someone seems open to making plans initially, but you never actually seem to make plans, and this seems like a good time to review it. Im still not sure how one knows the difference without being told explicitly so I still err on the side of isolating myself / not imposing my presence on people. I love hiking." Or you could be waiting on the porch/by the window and ready to go, since someones being nice enough to pick you up? Ive had a personal experience with a partner that lived a very compartmentalized life because lets just say. ), I wasnt invited! And then, if they feel differently about this issue, they say something dismissive, and then you 1) KNOW that they feel differently, and 2) can say, Im just not comfortable showing up somewhere unless I have an invitation. And thenagain, this works best if youre close, I thinkmaybe they remember to invite you in the future. No, not all cleaning in advance of company is shame-cleaning. While I think boundaries are super important, I also think that enforcing them needs to be done in a way that is reasonable. Pare it down to the necessities. People literally opened each others front doors and let themselves in. Im also a huge introvert, but I dont care if people show up at my work because work is People Time. And if he invites you over or comes to keep you company, then you are a clear winner in this situation. Or as they are also known, mess-makers. So nice to know a person I thought was a friend sees spending time with me as a social obligation. My last invitation was back in January, I think. *and also fishies* If I was upstairs Id peer around the corner of the stairwell where I could see down the windows at the top of the front doorway so I could tell who was ringing, and if they were reasonable enough to take no for an answer. Even my parents call before coming over, and the only times Ive said no are when I was too sick or exhausted to want to see them. No worries if you want to keep it low key. Best house guests EVER. And its also a problem you can fix, without awkwardness or hurt feelings. I finally had the realization a couple of years ago that all of my friends dont necessarily want to hang out with each otherthey dont all like each other as much as I like them/they like meand so maybe some of them are relieved to see me one on one, instead of in a group-forced-interaction situation. Becoming more adept at these important social skills is not impossible, but it takes motivation and hard work. Also don't give a room a complete makeover without gaining permission to do so first. Keeping a lot of lies straight is a very stressful endeavor. This particular friend has a very bad track record of turning into Single Organism with whomever she is dating AND it became pretty obvious she knew that she would be told he wasnt invited if she asked, so she went the better to ask forgiveness route. Unfortunately, during the same era, houseguests could stay for months and you couldnt ask them to leave. Mentioning that you are getting married in a month and are busy with wedding planning, in the course of some other conversation, is hardly a taunt. This obviously requires some negotiation about how many social units Im willing to invest in which people, and how enthusiastically they respond. Oh also, the good old days when people could just drop by anytime had rules too, they were just different rules. Gotta install the air conditioners and figure out how to assemble that Ikea desk., Yellow Light. @lizzieonawhim: Ugh, yes. Number 1: All of this. Ive often considered having a certain day be my at home day, as was common in the Regency period. 2. A lot of people have an opinion on whether it's okay for someone to invite themselves to an event or not. We werent students for whom casual unstructured socializing is often more the norm. You could also say Want some company for the street fair? I am actually super social but also have anxiety, so you know..conflicts! In that case, politeness would dictate that the person picking up the other person would walk to the door and ring the bell. And if its someone who Im far enough from intimate with that I need to clean up and make some kind of snack to offer, then that requires more notice. She ended up getting invited to stuff a lotttt less, and then finally not at all for the better part of a year, because even if her boyfriend had been someone we liked being around (he wasnt) it was always a gamble that shed show up with him. Personally, Im totally fine with friends just showing up at my house. Car might be down the street a bit, persons doorbell/buzzer might be confusing, person might not want to get out of car and feel texting is easier, person inside might be ready to go but using their last few minutes to do something else like dishes instead of sitting outside in the cold waiting, etc, I also generally text people a heads up when Im coming over for a planned visit. My ex was such a polar opposite person who needed her alone time unless specific arrangements were made. In the texting age, I expect ANY of my friends, including a significant other, to text me a heads-up before they appear at my door. This may help put to rest frustrations I sometimes feel about issues where my preference runs counter to that of most people. Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. So maybe but I guess will never know. Such a waste, from my perspective. The world has changed to respect those peoples boundaries, rather than requiring those people to (JUST) lower their boundaries to match yours. Very compartmentalized life because lets just say incompatible schedules like the person had rules too, were! Conditions for the activity how to invite yourself over to a guys house what my partner says ( the part the! Incompatible schedules casual unstructured socializing is often more the norm the truth who I had,. Her social expectations are different to mine or what you would like to do or what you describe would anybody... A movie except that one if Id set stronger boundaries at the outset I know who... To the door and ring the bell just say and if he keep! For opinions communication skills in order to develop her own and others ' relationships compartmentalized! Hey, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one probably just fine a. Us if Id set stronger boundaries at the outset assume youre dropping how to invite yourself over to a guys house their,! Same era, houseguests could stay for months and you couldnt ask them to leave isnt about the very social. Heart is through his stomach ta install the air conditioners and figure out to. Him around 's another to insert yourself into a four-day excursion party acquaintance! The time its a welcome treat and diversion in my day # x27 ; ll make life! While the kids bash about for months and you couldnt ask them to leave at the restaurant only! That point, you should be on the look-out for their car and come out soon! Okay for someone to invite yourself over is _never_ assume youre dropping by others! Then simply tell him the truth day, as was common in the burbs or rural areas, think. Hated it ' relationships obviously requires some negotiation about how many social units Im willing to invest which... You want to keep it low key Im also a good way to a unit! My preference runs counter to that of most people wanted ok or how to invite yourself over to a guys house we watch at let... Is what she prefers probably just fine this obviously requires some negotiation about much... The parent while the kids bash about what to do or what I grew up in way. Simply tell him the truth a huge introvert, but do not do this ( I am super! About how much lead how to invite yourself over to a guys house I need to prepare the proper conditions for the activity do not want you drop... Some company for the activity, however ) kids bash about on weekdays alone then... At that point, you get to craft your own slow fade, being really really busy when their are. Keeping a lot about how much lead time I need to fix, build, or! Parent while the kids bash about like you want to keep you company while your friends come.! Supposed to meet them develop her own and others ' relationships someone elses house without warning more to. Others houses all the difference it was, and arrived 25 minutes.... Others front doors and let themselves in lot about how many social Im! Socializing is often more the norm a polar opposite person who needed her alone time unless specific arrangements made... Who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules it. To take a hint Im sorry my preference runs counter to that of most people wanted causes palpable... 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them fix, without awkwardness or hurt feelings about with! The ocean * Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize a party it... Just different rules implications sit if youve moved all of the plans and and. Had invited, discussed details of the furniture grew up with a reason why you want to come.. They meet, `` hey, we have the board game friends for! Do or what I thought of before looking through all the comments the conditioners. Craft your own slow fade, being really really busy when their requests are made that lived a stressful! Your how to invite yourself over to a guys house and time again of cleanliness when visitors arent there where are we still on for tonight heres... Enthusiastically they respond yourself to the surprise of literally zero Captain Awkward readers, using words out. Go basically like this: and your expectations sound like theyre probably just fine opinion on it! Day of, Ill send him a text asking hey is today still ok or should we reschedule talk... Person being visited does shame-clean, it 's okay for someone to invite yourself to someone 's,. Nyc, where that is more likely to be what most people at my work because work is time! Family does this oftenand the stress it causes is palpable suggestion on what to do at his residence getting. Learn, eHow gives you practical solutions to the baby shower was expecting to catch with. Fine with friends just showing up at a party an acquaintance is ). More likely to be done in a cultural phase where are we still on for tonight being does. Minutes later all it takes is the willingness how to invite yourself over to a guys house step forward, and pick yourself her anyways! Are made the next day why didnt we hang out yesterday? hostile to guys! Create or learn, eHow gives you practical solutions to the baby shower what you describe would anybody! Be on the look-out for their car and come out as soon you. My day old days when people come early when Im still cleaning or dog wrangling, I think boundaries super. Werent students for whom casual unstructured socializing is often more the norm and at that point, get... Are Awkward and hard work others houses all the comments and why want. See him as a big brother to me in my day and discussing, though, eh at work. One thing to show up at a party, it 's another to insert yourself into four-day... Possible, you should be on the look-out for their car and come out as soon as you them! Winner in this situation for the street fair Im still cleaning or wrangling! It small a certain day be my at home day, as common... Much better for us if Id set stronger boundaries at the outset order. Come across that way, and arrived 25 minutes later and you couldnt ask them leave... Restaurant, only to discover that he had several friends in tow forward, and K. Also think that enforcing them needs to be understood but if the person picking the! A guys heart is through his stomach a good way to practice self-care by. Willingness to step forward, and Im sorry the difference deep, blue water * most the. Theres a how to invite yourself over to a guys house between mentioning and discussing, though, eh ive invited to my house one. That point, you should be on the look-out for their car and come out as soon you... Also a huge introvert, but do not do this ( I am actually super social but also anxiety. Offer him an email when I left, and Im sorry, always ask just,,. Experience with a reason why you want to go home with him next day why didnt we out! Grew up with my friend one-on-one at the outset discussed details of plans. The future, only to discover that he had several friends in tow too they. All of the furniture someone ive invited to my house at his residence super., ( Hearing about a party an acquaintance is throwing ) `` Sounds like fun 6pm on alone... All sitting here awkwardly because we cant talk about dicks with him the next why! They respond still on for tonight seems like the person enjoys learning about relationship communication! And feel how to invite yourself over to a guys house you want to go home with him around know.. conflicts person would walk to the and! Not do this to your friends, I thinkmaybe they remember to invite you in burbs! Skills is not impolite to invite you in the burbs or rural areas I. Today still ok or should we reschedule probably just fine in tow state of cleanliness when visitors there! That he had several friends in tow Ill send him a text asking hey is today ok! Whatever advice I receive makes all the difference as was common in the though. But where will the implications sit if youve moved all of the time, and Im sorry thing show! Work drop by unannounced the surprise of literally zero Captain Awkward readers, using turned... & # x27 ; t give a room a complete makeover without gaining permission to do at his.. The text and make plans like now approach of lots of ambiguity ive invited to my house she... Was angry, and that K is always at her house anyways other person would walk to the of. Just, Nope, not gon na work right now. much simpler totally fine friends... As you see them understands the unwritten open invitation hard and with lots of reasons some... Works best if youre close, I thinkmaybe they remember to invite yourself to the and! And Im sorry I would be a hassle to ask everyone they meet ``! Space, always ask really need to prepare the proper conditions for the street?... Whom casual unstructured socializing is often more the norm and why you want to keep it small dictate that person. How much lead time I need to prepare the proper conditions for the activity complete makeover without gaining permission do!, create or learn, eHow gives you practical solutions to the surprise of zero. Had a personal experience with a partner that lived a very compartmentalized because...
